Dealing with envy
We don’t choose to be envious. Rarely do we recognise it or even admit it. Envy is a deep feeling of bitterness towards someone without any logical evidence or understanding of why you feel the way you feel. Envy is something that can destroy relationships without any physical proof of why it happened.
Why do we experience envy?
Envy is a natural self-uplifting mechanism that kicks in the moment you feel inferior to another person. It is a feeling of intimidation and resentment that is caused by a low self-esteem.
The effect of envy?
Envy will naturally encourage you to work harder and perform better, all in an effort to prove that you are better than you actually feel about yourself. However, trying to outperform the other person will only worsen the situation, leading to shame and even guilt. If you don’t face your envy and deal with it, it will cause a lot of pain, frustration, shame, extended envy and a feeling of low self-worth.
The problem is not the problem, but the avoidance of it.
Acknowledge it
Admit that you are experiencing envy. It will naturally be a threat to the insecurities that you’ve been trying to hide up to now. It starts with letting your guard down and admitting your weaknesses to yourself. Half of the baggage that comes with envy will leave the moment you acknowledge it in your life.
Identify the root of the problem
One of my clients struggled with deep pain and frustration in her life. She finally identified it as envy but she still couldn’t understand how she could feel so sad after hearing a close friend is pregnant, or that another friend bought their first home, when in fact she was deeply happy for them and didn’t dream about having what they had. After some digging, we discovered that she didn’t envy her friends for their new reasons for celebration, but that she was envious of her very close friend’s involvement in them. If her friend knew about the pregnancy before her, she was envious. If her friend was first to be invited to another mutual friend’s new home, she felt envy. Subconsciously she wanted to be the more popular friend in their group and felt inferior to her close friend. The envy “infected” all their mutual friendships, yet the root of it all was only towards one person.
Acknowledge yourself
Take a moment and appreciate who you are. What makes you great and why is your life good? Think of all the things that you are grateful for and appreciate what you have accomplished. If there’s certain things or aspects in someone else that you envy, remind yourself why you are important just the way you are.
To compare yourself with someone else is to downgrade the life plan that is destined for you.
Grow from it
Once you’ve dealt with the hurt of envy, you can use it to propel and motivate you. My client that envied her friend found peace in the situation to such an extent that she could share her insecurities with her friend. She appreciates her friend for the example she is and the positive motivation to excel in her life.
Secure a healthy root
Develop self-love, self-comparison and an abundance mindset.
Self-love: Believe that you are able to achieve greatness, that you are perfect for the job, that you are capable of so much and that you have what it takes. It will take practise, but it is crucial if you want to have a healthy system of self-believe. I’m not saying be prideful or tell the world how great you are, just believe in yourself and love you for who you are.
Self-comparison: Compare yourself with yourself. Are you better then you use to be? Where do you see yourself in a year from now? Self-comparison ensures you focus on what truly matters to you instead of someone else’s goals.
Abundant mindset: Believing that you have enough and that good things are heading your way. It’s a way of living by choice, and not by what you have. To be content with what you have doesn’t mean you shouldn’t work towards more, but that you are truly grateful for where you currently are. When you see more in yourself you can appreciate more in others too.
Is it serving me?
Envy will always try to find its way back into your life, but you never have to let it control you again. With a healthy self-belief, it would be much harder to feel envious, but if it creeps up, always ask yourself, how is this serving me? If you can use it to motivate you to grow, set a new goal, or create a new habit. If it’s not serving you in any good way, ditch it! Naturally, if you realise there’s no benefit to you, it would be much easier to let it go.
Envy is to be taxed by someone else’s greatness.
Live your life
The best way of letting envy go is to focus your attention on something else that is great. If you are envious of the number one tennis player in the world but you’re not even interested in picking up a racket, why are you entertaining the envy? Sometimes the best thing you can do is to focus on where you are going. What do you want to be great at? Set goals and create good habits that you can work towards. Soon you’ll be proud of yourself and what you’ve accomplished. You’ll be proud of other people’s accomplishments too because you can recognise their different life journey.
Decide to make today count and take the first step towards a better you.
